I’m going to die. I have the worst hangover for a long time. Well, at least It seems I was happy for a while. Why does whiskey taste like shit? It’s so damn cool to drink it, but fulllll torture. And I drank too much again. When I drink too much, I do everything dumb shit and always fight with my man. Oh yeah and that stupid football! I bought it! It cost 20 euros! Like, I’m not fucking Messi or anything. I don’t even play football. So I can just wonder why. And I have no idea where I got that wheelchair.
I have trypophobia (repetitive pattern phobia.), OCD, fear of bacteria, parasites and fear of food. Actually I’m not scared of food, it disgusts me. I can’t explain. I’m scared that my food is poisoned or contaminated. It’s easier to drink or eat soups, they are easier to swallow. Sometimes I have to throw up after eating because I’m afraid to get contagion from it. I just want to eat and live normally. I am scared all the time. I’m hungry but eating makes me sad. I’m scared that I will start to suffer from eating disorder again. Some people think I’m crazy, when I’m sniffing their food or can’t eat it at all. I don’t mean to be impolite. But it’s very hard to explain to them… This makes me so damn hopeless.
I was told this morning.
“You don’t even try.” Well, I’m trying all the time. It’s easy for you to say because you have friends. You are happy. You have money. You have fucking everything.
I have tried so much. It’s killing me when I have to smile, but inside I’m dying. I just want to cry all these tears out. But when I cry, I’m “Attention seeker”, “pathetic” or “weak”. I’m tired of everything. Breathing, eating, walking, being awake.. Even If I sleep all day, I’m tired. Why don’t you like me for who I am? It’s sad that we are relatives. There’s nothing we can do about it.
Maybe you will love me when I’m dead.
Me and a doll that my mother gave me when I was a kid. I miss you mom :’(